I am a bit lost for words tonight. I had a meeting with a gent from church today - i rare one. To discuss - well life. A small part of me had belived that he was going to sit me down and say to me, right, lets see what we can do about making you a priest. Do you fancy returning to training next week? Instead i am aware that if it ever happens it will be a matter of years - and probably a large number. I am not sure if i have the strength to be a part of the church through those years.
Maybe that means that i should never have been a priest - that it was right that everything was stripped away. So here i am naked, and not sure what wear. The old clothes dont seem to fit anymore - and its to cold to be naked. I realise i am babling, that the way isnt becoming any clearer as a type, or for that matter even the questions.
I feel very low and uncertain about what to do - which way to go. I realise the questions are never this simple but i find myself drawn ever deeper into the arms of judaism - i appear to be a glutten for punishment - in judaism if i was to convert, it would be to reform judaism which means i would never be recognised as a brother by those in orthodoxy. I realise this may seem a little shocking - cant be a priest and so change religion? Its not that - and i am not about to do that - but when it comes right down to it i feel at home in the synagogue, it feels like family. With the church it feels like a distant relative who you really dont want to see but feel oblidged to.
My belife hasnt gone - dont get me wrong - I still belive that Jesus opens the door - it just feels right now that if i would prefer to sit in the foyer and be welcome, than try and break down a door that the church has fitted locks onto. All over simplifications and terrable cliches but i have nothing better to offer right now and above all i need to sleep.
I also suspect i need to cry for a very long time, I am not completly sure i will be able to stop once i start though and so am trying to avoid it.
Back to the Holy Drawing Board, with some relief
5 months ago