Sinful Theology

Please..

2011-03-21T17:01:00.001-07:00

Please make your way over in an ordaly fashion to yet another blog that i wont get around to writing in. This one attempted theology briefly and i think that was the problem. My new one will be talking about the process of me converting and the struggles with it etc but wont be concentrating on theology if that makes sence? anyway would be lovely to see you over at http://hagerbetavram.blogspot.com

Maybe I am back

2011-02-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

I might be back here. My life has been very dull for a while - or busy - or something. Anyway i have had no desire to write but i am working through lots of thigns right now so thought i would give an update:

The Whirlwind (small child now age 2 and some months) Saying lots of names (but not her aunts which is a source of some ammusment for me - distress for the aunt). I love her to bits but am seriously tempted to heavily drug her so she just calms down a bit - its constant and its driving me nuts. I am working very hard on my calm voice, but the whinning which we now get is really driving me crazy.

The long suffering wife - Full time looking after the whirlwind seems happy enough!

Me - working 4 days a weeks for my brothers and enjoying it but only just scraping by financially.

RELIGON!
This is always a big topic with me - DRUM ROLL PLEASE: We are in the process of converting to Judaism! Specifically reform Judaism. This process will take us a year or 18 mnths, or something like that and an operation which the very thought of makes we want to run away. but there you have have it.

Well thats the background stuff - all the rest will come in good time. maybe

Damaged Goods

2010-06-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

I wont apologies for not writing – it gets dull starting every blog with the same apology but thank you to those who nudged me and asked me to post.

Let me start with updates:

Daughter _ The whirlwind is now 16 mnths old? 18mnths? In honesty I am really not good at keeping track of these things. It seems to be a question I am asked at least twice a week – how old is your little girl? I still am never really sure – it seems to change on a daily basis. There is however a reason for all these questions about age. It allows for what I have discovered is the widest running competition in the world – who’s child is better. When a parent asks you how old your child is what they are actually saying is:
a) wow your child is really slow, my child is brilliant and was doing that ages before your child.
b) Wow your child is well ahead of mine; I hate you and hope you get hit by a bus.

Clearly I am beyond this kind of compettive parenting, I am happy for the whirlwind to develop at her own pace and really don’t give two hoots about how she is doing on some scale which measures every detail of her behavior and skills against an imagined list of goal posts that she must rush through in a race against other children. Of course if it was a race she would be winning – if I was comparing she would be ahead…but im not…not me…not for a minute…

Work I wont go into to much detail, enough to say that I am doing two days a week work in a business that I disagree with on almost every level. It hurts me even to think about it right now.

Mostly: Mostly its really okay I am just getting through one day follows another and the world slides around and I just watch it turn – today even as I write this I am overwhelmed by a sense of loss of all the might have beens and could have beens. It seems right now that writing about it – looking my life in the face is all to much for me so I will sign of as quickly as I signed on and vanish again for a while.

Stonned

2010-04-04T04:28:00.001-07:00

My daughter the whirlwind has for some time had a fascinating with bags, she loves nothing better than finding things to put in and out of bags. This had led to me discovering half eaten bananas, socks, the remote control and various other things I my bag. About three weeks ago her Aunt gave her an old handbag and she has since then faithfully carried it around with her, putting it around her neck when walking. This accessibility of storage space has led her to pursue her new hobby, stone collecting.

The whirlwind is indiscriminate in her choice of stones, which ever is closest to her on a path, or on the drive of someone’s house we are passing will do. She will stop. Pick up the stone. Remove her handbag. Unzip the bag (often with a little help). Place the stone in the bag. Put the stone in her bag. Put the bag around her neck. We are then ready to walk five or six more steps before we repeat the process.

While I guess its nice that she has hobby…

A Tantrum

2010-03-31T02:55:00.000-07:00

The hurricane that is my daughter wants to play with the telephone. I take the telephone from her and she wails. The question is what do I do next, and what if any effect will this have on the rest of her life? If I give her the phone to play with will it teach her from this early age that she can get whatever she wants as long as she complains loudly enough, and is that a good or a bad lesson? Will it make her ‘spoilt’?

The telephone is not a suitable thing for her to play with – I don’t want to find she has hit 999 and the idea of giving in seems some how wrong – although I cant articulate a sensible reason why it would be a problem.. I suspect there is something in learning that you cant always get what you want, but then I am not sure that’s a good lesson. The people who never accept no for an answer are often the most successful people. They find ways around situations where others give up and go home.

I have seen some parents tell of children for there tantrums, but when I am upset or annoyed, reasonably or unreasonably I don’t think someone telling me I am being silly, or to calm down will help. It is instead the fastest way to make me blow my top all together. So instead I give her cuddle, I try to distract her, I offer her a story, and pretty soon she is sat by my side listening happily to “Clovis the Tiger’ – who in case you don’t know is the roarist tiger in the whole jungle.

Sometimes I allow myself to believe that the way I handle these things will make a huge difference to the person that my daughter becomes, but as i talk to my friends I realize that everyones parents got it wrong – the world is made up of people who had bad parents and yet we all survived. Im not saying my parents where terrible here – just that they where human and made mistakes. I survived those mistakes, and I am sure my daughter will survive through my mistakes.

For now the crisis has come and gone, the tantrum was very brief, and with my daughter cuddled up with me giggling as I roar all seems okay in the world

110% Sure

2010-03-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

Someone - and I am not telling you where, put up a post where they said they always give 110% effort. I tried not to leave a comment, really i did. I tried to not be the ranty shouty man, but I am afraid it got the better of me. I tried to explain it nicely, but in honesty i am really not a very nice person. Anyway in honour of this I thought i would share with you all a link to the classic spinal tap - these go to 11 moment..enjoy.

2010-03-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

My wrestling with theology grows no easier with time. i am hoping that my faith is in one of the boxes that i have yet to unpack from seminary, however i suspect that it was lost in the move.

So what now? I have a hope, that somehow my doubts will crush me, compound me, that what will be left is a lack of logic or a crystal of truth. I long for that moment when all questions fall away and all doubts evaporated under a sun that radiates life giving energy.

I am currently living between metaphors. I want to scream as did the writter of eclesatics, it is all meaningless! Its all blowing in the wind! None of it matters. Yet i need work - and time. I would like to sleep a while.

I am back involved with a church - i have always found God most in people and a well turned phrase, the curate has a spark, i am tempted to try and use it to light the fire that has gone out in me, but i am not sure how easy it will be to fan flames.

Depicting the Prophet

2010-03-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

As i was driving back from a photo shoot today I got to thinking about image - and more specifically the controversy surrounding the depiction of the prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him.

Looking into this a little I discovered that there is not an explicit prohibition against such depictions, instead there are two statements in the Koran from which these prohibitions are extrapolated:

21:52-54: "[Abraham] said to his father and his people: 'What are these images to whose worship you cleave?' They said: 'We found our fathers worshipping them.' He said: 'Certainly you have been, you and your fathers, in manifest error.'"

42:11 of the Koran does say: "[Allah is] the originator of the heavens and the earth... [there is] nothing like a likeness of Him."

It seems to me then that prohibition as found in the Koran is not to an image of any kind, but rather to the worship of these images. I may have misunderstood..however the point i am interested in is how one who believes that making such an image or displaying it is forbidden could respond to such an image.

There is the possibility of condemning such depictions and anger at those who would create them, or there seems to me to be the option of responding that it is not possible to create a likeness of Allah, or of the prophets, that not one line of the many used in attempts to depict them can carry a single speck of an aspect of that which they try to depict. In fact they fail to be a depiction at all. While the creation of an image of Mohammed, peace be upon him, is prohibited, the actions of those who attempt to create such images is mearly foolishness as it is not possible to create such an image. Such an approach would allow one to instead of being offended by an image, be amused, bemused, and in sympathy for those who might try such a futile thing.

Any thoughts from those who know these issues better than me?

Small Child

2010-03-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have realised that i havent really written anything about my small child of late or at all on this blog? Anyway i felt i should probably give a suitable update on the joys of parenthood. for those who dont know we are a slung family, attachment parenting, my daughter at 14mnths or so..something like that..is walking down the road happily and pointing at passers by then waving at them. When i get home she gives me a smile, and i ask her to get a book, she wanders of to the bookshelf and picks a book - or rather lunges for whichever one comes to hand and sits with me while i read to her.

On Shabbat we play with woodern blocks given to us what seems like a life time ago by our dear friend Anna.

At night she curls up to sleep in the 'family bed'.

I dont know whether i make a good or a bad father - it seems very hard to tell. I find the chaos - the constant mess - very difficult, however, her smile, and more to the point her giggle is fantastic. She laughs when things dont happen in the way she thinks they should. If she rolls a ball across a table towards me and i dont catch it she finds it the funniest thing in the world - but is completly unammused by the failure of anyone else to catch it if its rolled to them. I hope that she will always giggle at the areas where my ability is lacking !

Things should be better now

2010-03-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

They really should. I have just got two days work a week. Its enough to match what i was on claiming benifits. I wont be any better of - but wont be any worse of. This is good news. This is positive.

I have had a meeting with my Rabbi who has been lovely and extended the warmest welcome to my exploring.

I have had a meeting with a Priest of a new church - well a new church to me, who has offered me the space to explore, to be involved, and to shy away when i need to.

Yet it doesnt feel better.

Sorry wish i had more to say.

Dancing on the Edge

2010-02-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

I am a bit lost for words tonight. I had a meeting with a gent from church today - i rare one. To discuss - well life. A small part of me had belived that he was going to sit me down and say to me, right, lets see what we can do about making you a priest. Do you fancy returning to training next week? Instead i am aware that if it ever happens it will be a matter of years - and probably a large number. I am not sure if i have the strength to be a part of the church through those years.

Maybe that means that i should never have been a priest - that it was right that everything was stripped away. So here i am naked, and not sure what wear. The old clothes dont seem to fit anymore - and its to cold to be naked. I realise i am babling, that the way isnt becoming any clearer as a type, or for that matter even the questions.

I feel very low and uncertain about what to do - which way to go. I realise the questions are never this simple but i find myself drawn ever deeper into the arms of judaism - i appear to be a glutten for punishment - in judaism if i was to convert, it would be to reform judaism which means i would never be recognised as a brother by those in orthodoxy. I realise this may seem a little shocking - cant be a priest and so change religion? Its not that - and i am not about to do that - but when it comes right down to it i feel at home in the synagogue, it feels like family. With the church it feels like a distant relative who you really dont want to see but feel oblidged to.

My belife hasnt gone - dont get me wrong - I still belive that Jesus opens the door - it just feels right now that if i would prefer to sit in the foyer and be welcome, than try and break down a door that the church has fitted locks onto. All over simplifications and terrable cliches but i have nothing better to offer right now and above all i need to sleep.

I also suspect i need to cry for a very long time, I am not completly sure i will be able to stop once i start though and so am trying to avoid it.

Who turned the lights out?

2010-02-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

Finance:
Housing benefit has today confirmed that they will not pay housing benefit as we are living with family. We can not live with family without paying rent. As such we need to find new accommodation in a hurry. Benefits gives us £200 every two weeks. Even before food petrol, etc etc, we have £85 on various phone contracts, broadband, landline.

Work:
Applying for lots of jobs - finding that there are over 100 applicants for min. wages jobs.

Mood:
Dark.

2am

2010-01-24T18:12:00.000-08:00

Its 2am in the morning and i should be asleep, but my mind is racing and as so often of late i cant find peace. My obsession is as ever the priesthood. When i try to work out what i should be doing with my life, i keep coming back to this place - i should be a priest. I cant work out if i am just in denial, if what i should be doing is mourning and then trying to find a way forward, or whether i should be finding a way to fight.

Praying in the Shed

2010-01-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

In my shed I have an icon, a candle, a stoop bowl. Every night before i go to bed i go out and sit for a while and talk/pray. While i ask question - i am still looking for the face of God. I also feel more at peace than i have for a long time. As much as a wrestle with questions i dont belive they will overcome me - but i will keep blogging my search for answers.

Today i meet with a friend i trained with and it was lovely. He sat with me and said - but you are meant to be a priest - its who you are. We talked through some of my questions and i was forced to admit that i am not sure right now if my question are there because i dont want to belive and not be able to stand at the alter or because they are question burried deep inside me that are bubbling up.

I will keep asking - but will keep praying to.

Redemption, pain and other things

2010-01-05T03:18:00.001-08:00

As will have become clear I have been having some what of a crisis of faith. In this however I have found my redemption. Many moons ago when involved in a lot of dark things I committed myself to god and stepped away from a life of debuchary. It has always been my feeling that I am that person – that I would live a life of crime and excess if only I hadn’t committed myself to God, and I have always felt a hankering for the other life.

On struggling with my faith, on no longer training for the priesthood I have been set free of obligation – free to decide who I am. It has been a shock to realize I don’t want that other life, its just not who I am. With or without God I have no desire of the life I once craved.

As that realization has begun to sink in its left me feeling better than I have ever felt. Sure it still hurts to type – managed to cut my finger fairly seriously requiring 4 stiches over the Christmas period. Sure I have not had any money since the 1^st December when I sold some books (still waiting for benefits payment). I also don’t know what the future holds for me – I belived – and still belive I am called to be a priest. Yet I really do feel okay in myself.

So what road for my faith? I have not stopped beliving in God, but have questions on the divinty of Jesus which continue to bother me. These questions are substantial – but it remains my faith that Jesus is God. I have committed myself to one year of looking at this question – one year of doubt and searching for answers before any change to my faith life. It must seem odd for me to be saying I still feel called to be a priest – when I know I will never be a priest now, and when I have such doubts. I don’t pretend it makes sence.

More later – shouldn’t be typing at all right now.

ouch

2009-12-29T15:36:00.001-08:00

i have hurt my hand - cut it requiring stitches so can only ytpe with one hand will respond to preveous comments soon but one handed typing makes it to hard right now

The Heretic – The Chair

2009-12-22T02:45:00.000-08:00

Let us suppose that in your living room is a fine chesterfield armchair. You have grown to love it, maybe it was handed down to you by a relative, or maybe you saved for it and brought it new. In my case it was one that someone else was getting rid of. A friend comes around one day, and you show them your chair, and they tell you they cant see a chair. You are stunned. Its right there in front of you. They give you a long and convincing argument proving beyond all reasonable doubt that the chair does not exist, not only has there has never been a manufacturer of chesterfield chairs, but there is no such thing as a chair at all. You invite them to try it out – to sit on it, but they maintain that there is nothing to sit on. You sit down yourself – and they respond by saying you are just crouching, there is nothing under you but air.

At this stage there are two possibilities, either your friend is right, there is indeed no chair, its something your over active imagination has created, and your friends arguments are correct, or despite how logical your friends arguments are you are correct there is a chair. His arguments do not make the chair vanish, and however convincing they are the chair still exists as it always has.

It seems to me that for the most part I have felt this way about faith. My belief in God can be seen in the same way as my belief of the chair. That someone might give an argument showing that the chair does not exist has not bothered me, its there – I can speak from experience. Yet recently I have tried to sit down and found myself on the floor. The question I am now faced with is – did I attempt to sit in the wrong spot – or was my friend right – did I imagine the chesterfield armchair?

My initial response to this problem has been to examine that arguments of the person who says there is no chair, to see if I can find a flaw in them. I will continue to attempt this approach – but at the same time, I will keep trying to sit down. As of yet I have no idea how often I will need to find myself sitting on the floor before I give up on my belief that I didn’t imagine the whole thing.

Festive Spirit

2009-12-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

After careful calculation we have established that we can make it through till boxing day! There is some food in the fridge, nectar vouchers, and other such things. I was chatting to my brother the other day about christmas trees, as he was asking for advice on them. I mentioned that we couldn't afford one this year, and the long suffering wife was being very good about this although its a big thing for her. Later on in the day him, and my brother turned up - with an early christmas present - a christmas tree.

The wife is completely delighted, even though its the oddest tree in the world - and bends at a very odd angle (she has always liked the underdog and this improves it no end in her eyes). I am very touched that my brothers got it for us. I dont mention the yearly pantomime i go through with the wife about not wanting a tree, and being fed up with pine needles dropped on the floor - about lack of space. This year i just smile and watch her put up the decorations.

After my last blog i had an offer of some financial help from a reader - one i wont be taking up, but was really very touched by. While this may be a sounding board for feelings of despair at times, i dont want it to be a begging bowl. The offer was deeply appreciated - but we will find a way through, and just having the offer makes us feel a little less alone - and in honest a little guilty for complaining. Its cold outside, really cold - and i have a warm bed tonight, a beautiful wife, and a gorgeous daughter. What more could i ask?

Money Money

2009-12-18T06:41:00.001-08:00

We have now been without any form of income since the 1 December. Our benifits claim has not yet been dealt with. We have £20 in hand. Thats it. Things are looking black. I want to weep. As Winston Churchill once said however, if you find yourself in hell, keep walking. Standing still is not an option. So i fill in application forms, and I look for more things to sell. We have been living since the 1st of December on money from books i have sold. I think i will have to have another look through and see what else i can sell.

There is a hole in my shoe dear liza..

2009-12-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

Today I 'signed on' for the first time in some twelve years. the experience itself was fairly painless, however it didn't do my ego much good. However, there is a hole in my shoe, and i cant afford new ones. I find myself with a constantly soggy foot, which really isn't a pleasant sensation. Even with the money i will get from the benefits agency, i will still struggle to find money to repair my shoe, its all a bit of a worry really.

to make life really difficult Housing Benefit is not paid if living with a relative. We are living with my parents, renting from them at £500 a calendar month. Unfortunately they can not afford to house us without rent, and so we will have to be put on the emergency housing list, and as such will probably be housed separately. My wife, and baby will be put up in a bed breakfast while i will be offered a park bench on which to sleep. The cost of the bed and breakfast? Yes, you guessed it..more than that £500 a month rent. It feels very dark right now. I am phoning the council again tomorrow morning to see if a better resolution can be found, but admit that i dont hold out much hope within the system. It seems I may soon be officially homeless.

Pending the benefits claim we are living on money i have made by selling books.

The job market is not good right now, although i was amused to see there is indeed a category for clerical - yes indeed, you can apply for a job as a vicar through you local job centre. I indicated at the job centre that i would be happy to take temporary work - but was warned that doing so for anything over 16 hours a week would result in my claim being stopped and me needing to reclaim. A weeks work, would result in a weeks pay, followed by sorting out a new claim, and the inevitable delays and time without money and so i have been advised to avoid temporary work which seems frankly ridiculous by any measure of common sense.

It is the tornados 1st birthday on Thursday. I am aware that what a child needs is love not presents, and in honesty i wouldn't want to run out and spend £40 on tat, however, I confess, i don't feel good about the security i can offer her right now.

some time ago i looked at joining the third order (fransicans) but decided that the local group wasn't for me. I may well still explore other orders. They all contain a vow of poverty in some shape or other - maybe i should be giving thanks that this is being thrust upon me and the family.

Heretic – New Heaven and New Earth

2009-12-15T02:50:00.000-08:00

In this and a number of other post titled Heretic I will outline current theological dilemmas I am wrestling with. My hope is that posting these questions to this blog might result in finding answers to these questions. Response are welcome.

I will begin by painting a picture of the afterlife, a thumb nail sketch of what is understood by the after life for Christians. I will then look at some of the variations that exist within this belief, before raising some questions about particular problems that come out of these beliefs.

The belief

When God calls last orders on the universe a time of judgment will come when all humanity will be held to account for the way they have used the gift of life they where given. All but one person will be found guilty, none will have been found to have used the gift of life to its full. In passing judgment on humanity God will condemn all but the one person who lived a life as intended to Hell. Yet standing behind the one who was found worthy is a line of people who each step within his footprints and our judged not by their lives but by the life of their master. They, as the one who is worthy are given a gift greater than the temporary earth bound life that they lived, they are given the gift of an existence that will stretch through eternity and will be lived in perfect joy and harmony in heaven and on earth. This new existence is beyond the imagination of any human, as to live in harmony with God is that most wonderful of all things. There will be no suffering, no pain, no anguish, no regrets even for those who did not walk in the footprints of the master.

Hell:

The concept of Hell as eternal punishment for humans has fallen somewhat by the way side in all but conservative evangelical circles, in part this is due to a changing concept of justice. Most of us would not wish on our worst enemy eternal punishment, and we struggle to envisage a crime that could be committed in a human’s lifetime deserving of such a punishment.

While the scales of justice may have not be properly balanced upon the death of someone who has committed horrific acts during their life time, hell as eternal punishment appears to be a vastly disproportion response particularly when viewed in light of the experiences that have led an individual to commit horrific acts. As such the concept of hell as eternal punishment results in injustice occurring.

To address this, some Christians argue that Hell is a place to which people go and die an instant and final death – they simple cease to exist. This belief is called Annihilationism. This in itself carries with it some major problems but I will address these issues at a later stage. Others argue that everyone will go to heaven (Universal Reconciliation) this view was held by Alexendria, Antioch, Cesarea, and Edessa.

Despite the distaste with which the concept of Hell is viewed, many Christians continue to believe in a literal Heaven to which they or a part of them will go after death.

As with the issue of who is destined for hell, the details of who will or won’t make it into heaven appear far less clear to modern Christians than those in antiquity.

Entrance to Heaven

The traditional Christian understanding is that the only route in to heaven is through a personal commitment made to Jesus, in which the individual acknowledges Jesus as Lord and saviour. Some add to this requirement a necessity to live a transformed life from the point of conversion, it is not enough to simple declare one believes, but this needs to work itself out in the life of the individual.

This raises difficult questions about whether a child or someone who has never heard the Gospel message will receive a place in Heaven. A common response to this is the suggestion that God will judge each person according to their knowledge, hence a child might gain immediate access, and someone who has never heard the gospel might be judged according to there belief or unbelief based on the natural evidence of God they find in the world and whether they have followed their own conscience.

Subsequent questions such as what happens to people of other religions, and whether the quality of the proclamation of the gospel an individual has received effects the judgment of their belief or unbelief remains a grey area into which few theologians dare trend.

New Heaven, New Earth?

Even accepting the issues outlined above as solvable, a more fundamental issue exists in the conceptualisation of a ‘new Heaven and Earth’. Many Christians now address the afterlife in terms of a new Heaven, the idea of a new Earth receiving little attention and being conveniently forgotten by all but the most keen end time watchers. Whether addressing a new Heaven, a new Earth, or both, the belief is that a place will exist which is without pain, suffering, pain or sin. This will be a perfect existence spent with God.

The Problem

In the current scheme of things Christians universally acknowledge that humanity has the capacity to sin, an opportunity that it embraces fully. This in turn is seen as the cause of much of the life’s pain and misery, but is ‘a necessary’ evil in that it is only with the ability to sin that humanity might have free choice in its actions, and so have meaningful existence. If sin is not possible in this new creation (as suggested by Rev 21:4,27) then it follows that:

a) freewill will have been sacrificed to create this utopia, or

b) freewill and a world free of pain and suffering can co-exist.

The third option is the original assumptions are incorrect, and that freewill does not necessarily result in sin.

In scenario a, freewill is designated to be of less importance than this peaceful future existence. This argument may indeed be seen as justifiable, but if this correct then it seems the current scheme, one in which freewill and suffering are allowed to exist is a poor creation, particularly as we have knowledge of a far better scheme, which is indeed the future plan of the creator but has for some reason not yet been actualised.

Option b, is an attractive one, and seems to follow with the argument that all humanity is capable of resisting sin, Jesus providing the ultimate proof that it is possible to do so. For this new creation to work then each individual must choice to not sin, the failure of one individual to make this choice threatening the entire scheme. How likely is an individual to make a choice to sin, having seen the full Glory of God? We are told that Lucifer was a fallen angel, which even if viewed metaphorically tells us that such a fall is at least possible. It seems that if heavens population is to be large then the likelihood of such a fall seems high, almost inevitable. This would result in the new creation becoming sullied and failing to achieve its aim.

The third option as mentioned is that the freewill does not necessarily result in sin, yet, we are told that all have fallen short of the glory of God, and so it seems that even if this is not a necessary consequence of freewill, it is at least the likely outcome.

Reconciling the problem

This is where I stumble, it seems clear that traditional models of belief regarding an afterlife are deeply flawed. Whether this should result in a belief that there is no afterlife, or that current concepts of afterlife need to be revised is unclear. Comments are welcome.

Yours, Sinfully

On Leaving

2009-12-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my last night in a theological collage. At some point i will post some reflection on what is done well and what is done poorly in the training of priest, but tonight its far more about feelings than anything else.

As an ordinand I was given a key to the chapel, in the evening before sleep i would go and sit in the chapel a pray. It was only after the decision to leave had been made did it occur to me that that the door to the chapel would be locked to me. As a priest, you spend a life time with the shared cure of souls, and with it you have the keys to 'the house of God'. Life is far more certain than for most. You know you will be housed, and you are given a good living - a stipend.

As I have walked around the grounds tonight i have felt a profound sorrow for all that is lost to me in leaving. I will not serve at the Alter. The hopes i held for things that could be done in a church will have to be left to others.

Mostly I feel very alone, and very worried about the future. What will i be doing for a living in six months time? How will I support my family? How will I work through my relationship God? I have a fear in sharing even here my doubts my questions as i have no desire to draw others into doubt, its not a comfortable place to be, and i have no desire of platitudes in reply to questions that tear me in two - or three.

Yet despite the doubts, the worries, and the fears, still i pray - still I call out to a God though i expect only silence in reply - Hold me till morning comes, and place your blessing on my wife and daughter.

Yours, sinfully

A.

Children in the House of God

2009-12-06T08:40:00.001-08:00

After church this morning an elderly member of the congregation came up to me and the long suffering wife and said:

With the noice you daughter makes, i just wonder, had you thought of leaving her at home?

i was tempted to point out that we dont have a nanny but instead said, you know the bible says Jesus got very cross when people tried to stop children coming to him.

She responded - yes dear, children, not babies.

The long suffering wife left in tears. It only takes one person in each congregation to insure that people are put of. Congregations are in decline, and it seems that for someone with a baby there is a sign outside saying you are not welcome here. The tornado is not incredibly loud, she is good natured, and if she does cry we take her out, but if she is gargling a bit we dont. This is not an isolated incident however, we have experienced the same thing in 4 out of 5 churches we have been to.

I realise that some like an atmosphere of silence of peace, a chance to concentrate and focus on God. However, if people are sent away for 3 years when they have children then they will never come back, as maybe is shown by our emptying churches.

Welcome

2009-12-05T03:34:00.000-08:00

Hello, how do you do, welcome to this the new home of my blogging. As frequent flyers will know this will be an irregular program of ramblings about my home life and the occasional step into matters theological.

The cast:

me - Andy Nomynous. I am 34 years old, and have just exited from training for the preisthood. the current plan is that i will become a theologian in some shape or form instead. How this will be achieved is as yet very unclear.

The long suffering wife - The long suffering wife has been married to me for some seven years? I am guessing seven years anyway.. but i'm not good at dates and things. In marrying me she joined in a roller coaster ride that has led from one disaster to another - despite it all she still declares she love me.

The tornado - our soon to be year old girl. She is very high energy, very smiley, and much to my surprise not yet broken. I haven't dropped her once, or lost her! This has come as an incredble shock to everyone who knows me.

Sinful Theology? Well one of my big topics of study currently is sin. What is it? What is good? What's it got to do with God? I am also a heretic. I lurch from one set of unbelief's to another, normally with a great deal of clumsiness.