110% Sure

Someone - and I am not telling you where, put up a post where they said they always give 110% effort. I tried not to leave a comment, really i did. I tried to not be the ranty shouty man, but I am afraid it got the better of me. I tried to explain it nicely, but in honesty i am really not a very nice person.  Anyway in honour of this I thought i would share with you all a link to the classic spinal tap - these go to 11 moment..enjoy.

My wrestling with theology grows no easier with time. i am hoping that my faith is in one of the boxes that i have yet to unpack from seminary, however i suspect that it was lost in the move.

So what now? I have a hope, that somehow my doubts will crush me, compound me, that what will be left is a lack of logic or a crystal of truth. I long for that moment when all questions fall away and all doubts evaporated under a sun that radiates life giving energy.

I am currently living between metaphors. I want to scream as did the writter of eclesatics, it is all meaningless! Its all blowing in the wind! None of it matters. Yet i need work - and time. I would like to sleep a while.

I am back involved with a church - i have always found God most in people and a well turned phrase, the curate has a spark, i am tempted to try and use it to light the fire that has gone out in me, but i am not sure how easy it will be to fan flames.

Depicting the Prophet

As i was driving back from a photo shoot today I got to thinking about image - and more specifically the controversy surrounding the depiction of the prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him.

Looking into this a little I discovered that there is not an explicit prohibition against such depictions, instead there are two statements in the Koran from which these prohibitions are extrapolated:

21:52-54: "[Abraham] said to his father and his people: 'What are these images to whose worship you cleave?' They said: 'We found our fathers worshipping them.' He said: 'Certainly you have been, you and your fathers, in manifest error.'"


42:11 of the Koran does say: "[Allah is] the originator of the heavens and the earth... [there is] nothing like a likeness of Him."


It seems to me then that prohibition as found in the Koran is not to an image of any kind, but rather to the worship of these images. I may have misunderstood..however the point i am interested in is how one who believes that making such an image or displaying it is forbidden could respond to such an image.


There is the possibility of condemning such depictions and anger at those who would create them, or there seems to me to be the option of responding that it is not possible to create a likeness of Allah, or of the prophets, that not one line of the many used in attempts to depict them can carry a single speck of an aspect of that which they try to depict. In fact they fail to be a depiction at all. While the creation of an image of Mohammed, peace be upon him, is prohibited, the actions of those who attempt to create such images is mearly foolishness as it is not possible to create such an image. Such an approach would allow one to instead of being offended by an image, be amused, bemused, and in sympathy for those who might try such a futile thing.


Any thoughts from those who know these issues better than me?

Small Child

I have realised that i havent really written anything about my small child of late or at all on this blog? Anyway i felt i should probably give a suitable update on the joys of parenthood. for those who dont know we are a slung family, attachment parenting, my daughter at 14mnths or so..something like that..is walking down the road happily and pointing at passers by then waving at them. When i get home she gives me a smile, and i ask her to get a book, she wanders of to the bookshelf and picks a book - or rather lunges for whichever one comes to hand and sits with me while i read to her. 

On Shabbat we play with woodern blocks given to us what seems like a life time ago by our dear friend Anna.

At night she curls up to sleep in the 'family bed'.

I dont know whether i make a good or a bad father - it seems very hard to tell. I find the chaos - the constant mess - very difficult, however, her smile, and more to the point her giggle is fantastic. She laughs when things dont happen in the way she thinks they should. If she rolls a ball across a table towards me and i dont catch it she finds it the funniest thing in the world - but is completly unammused by the failure of anyone else to catch it if its rolled to them. I hope that she will always giggle at the areas where my ability is lacking !

Things should be better now

They really should. I have just got two days work a week. Its enough to match what i was on claiming benifits. I wont be any better of - but wont be any worse of. This is good news. This is positive.

I have had a meeting with my Rabbi who has been lovely and extended the warmest welcome to my exploring.

I have had a meeting with a Priest of a new church - well a new church to me, who has offered me the space to explore, to be involved, and to shy away when i need to.

Yet it doesnt feel better.

Sorry wish i had more to say.

Dancing on the Edge

I am a bit lost for words tonight. I had a meeting with a gent from church today - i rare one. To discuss - well life. A small part of me had belived that he was going to sit me down and say to me, right, lets see what we can do about making you a priest. Do you fancy returning to training next week? Instead i am aware that if it ever happens it will be a matter of years - and probably a large number. I am not sure if i have the strength to be a part of the church through those years. 

Maybe that means that i should never have been a priest - that it was right that everything was stripped away. So here i am naked, and not sure what wear. The old clothes dont seem to fit anymore - and its to cold to be naked.  I realise i am babling, that the way isnt becoming any clearer as a type, or for that matter even the questions.

I feel very low and uncertain about what to do - which way to go. I realise the questions are never this simple but i find myself drawn ever deeper into the arms of judaism - i appear to be a glutten for punishment - in judaism if i was to convert, it would be to reform judaism which means i would never be recognised as a brother by those in orthodoxy.  I realise this may seem a little shocking - cant be a priest and so change religion? Its not that - and i am not about to do that - but when it comes right down to it i feel at home in the synagogue, it feels like family. With the church it feels like a distant relative who you really dont want to see but feel oblidged to. 

My belife hasnt gone - dont get me wrong - I still belive that Jesus opens the door - it just feels right now that if i would prefer to sit in the foyer and be welcome, than try and break down a door that the church has fitted locks onto.  All over simplifications and terrable cliches but i have nothing better to offer right now and above all i need to sleep.

I also suspect i need to cry for a very long time, I am not completly sure i will be able to stop once i start though and so am trying to avoid it.

Who turned the lights out?

Finance:
Housing benefit has today confirmed that they will not pay housing benefit as we are living with family. We can not live with family without paying rent. As such we need to find new accommodation in a hurry. Benefits gives us £200  every two weeks. Even before food petrol, etc etc, we have £85 on various phone contracts, broadband, landline.


Work:
Applying for lots of jobs - finding that there are over 100 applicants for min. wages jobs.

Mood:
Dark.