Dancing on the Edge

I am a bit lost for words tonight. I had a meeting with a gent from church today - i rare one. To discuss - well life. A small part of me had belived that he was going to sit me down and say to me, right, lets see what we can do about making you a priest. Do you fancy returning to training next week? Instead i am aware that if it ever happens it will be a matter of years - and probably a large number. I am not sure if i have the strength to be a part of the church through those years. 

Maybe that means that i should never have been a priest - that it was right that everything was stripped away. So here i am naked, and not sure what wear. The old clothes dont seem to fit anymore - and its to cold to be naked.  I realise i am babling, that the way isnt becoming any clearer as a type, or for that matter even the questions.

I feel very low and uncertain about what to do - which way to go. I realise the questions are never this simple but i find myself drawn ever deeper into the arms of judaism - i appear to be a glutten for punishment - in judaism if i was to convert, it would be to reform judaism which means i would never be recognised as a brother by those in orthodoxy.  I realise this may seem a little shocking - cant be a priest and so change religion? Its not that - and i am not about to do that - but when it comes right down to it i feel at home in the synagogue, it feels like family. With the church it feels like a distant relative who you really dont want to see but feel oblidged to. 

My belife hasnt gone - dont get me wrong - I still belive that Jesus opens the door - it just feels right now that if i would prefer to sit in the foyer and be welcome, than try and break down a door that the church has fitted locks onto.  All over simplifications and terrable cliches but i have nothing better to offer right now and above all i need to sleep.

I also suspect i need to cry for a very long time, I am not completly sure i will be able to stop once i start though and so am trying to avoid it.

Who turned the lights out?

Finance:
Housing benefit has today confirmed that they will not pay housing benefit as we are living with family. We can not live with family without paying rent. As such we need to find new accommodation in a hurry. Benefits gives us £200  every two weeks. Even before food petrol, etc etc, we have £85 on various phone contracts, broadband, landline.


Work:
Applying for lots of jobs - finding that there are over 100 applicants for min. wages jobs.

Mood:
Dark.