Its 2am in the morning and i should be asleep, but my mind is racing and as so often of late i cant find peace. My obsession is as ever the priesthood. When i try to work out what i should be doing with my life, i keep coming back to this place - i should be a priest. I cant work out if i am just in denial, if what i should be doing is mourning and then trying to find a way forward, or whether i should be finding a way to fight.
In my shed I have an icon, a candle, a stoop bowl. Every night before i go to bed i go out and sit for a while and talk/pray. While i ask question - i am still looking for the face of God. I also feel more at peace than i have for a long time. As much as a wrestle with questions i dont belive they will overcome me - but i will keep blogging my search for answers.
Today i meet with a friend i trained with and it was lovely. He sat with me and said - but you are meant to be a priest - its who you are. We talked through some of my questions and i was forced to admit that i am not sure right now if my question are there because i dont want to belive and not be able to stand at the alter or because they are question burried deep inside me that are bubbling up.
As will have become clear I have been having some what of a crisis of faith. In this however I have found my redemption. Many moons ago when involved in a lot of dark things I committed myself to god and stepped away from a life of debuchary. It has always been my feeling that I am that person – that I would live a life of crime and excess if only I hadn’t committed myself to God, and I have always felt a hankering for the other life.
On struggling with my faith, on no longer training for the priesthood I have been set free of obligation – free to decide who I am. It has been a shock to realize I don’t want that other life, its just not who I am. With or without God I have no desire of the life I once craved.
As that realization has begun to sink in its left me feeling better than I have ever felt. Sure it still hurts to type – managed to cut my finger fairly seriously requiring 4 stiches over the Christmas period.Sure I have not had any money since the 1st December when I sold some books (still waiting for benefits payment).I also don’t know what the future holds for me – I belived – and still belive I am called to be a priest. Yet I really do feel okay in myself.
So what road for my faith? I have not stopped beliving in God, but have questions on the divinty of Jesus which continue to bother me.These questions are substantial – but it remains my faith that Jesus is God. I have committed myself to one year of looking at this question – one year of doubt and searching for answers before any change to my faith life. It must seem odd for me to be saying I still feel called to be a priest – when I know I will never be a priest now, and when I have such doubts. I don’t pretend it makes sence.
More later – shouldn’t be typing at all right now.