As will have become clear I have been having some what of a crisis of faith. In this however I have found my redemption. Many moons ago when involved in a lot of dark things I committed myself to god and stepped away from a life of debuchary. It has always been my feeling that I am that person – that I would live a life of crime and excess if only I hadn’t committed myself to God, and I have always felt a hankering for the other life.
On struggling with my faith, on no longer training for the priesthood I have been set free of obligation – free to decide who I am. It has been a shock to realize I don’t want that other life, its just not who I am. With or without God I have no desire of the life I once craved.
As that realization has begun to sink in its left me feeling better than I have ever felt. Sure it still hurts to type – managed to cut my finger fairly seriously requiring 4 stiches over the Christmas period. Sure I have not had any money since the 1st December when I sold some books (still waiting for benefits payment). I also don’t know what the future holds for me – I belived – and still belive I am called to be a priest. Yet I really do feel okay in myself.
So what road for my faith? I have not stopped beliving in God, but have questions on the divinty of Jesus which continue to bother me. These questions are substantial – but it remains my faith that Jesus is God. I have committed myself to one year of looking at this question – one year of doubt and searching for answers before any change to my faith life. It must seem odd for me to be saying I still feel called to be a priest – when I know I will never be a priest now, and when I have such doubts. I don’t pretend it makes sence.
More later – shouldn’t be typing at all right now.
Not knowing how the priesthood you were studying to be a part of works, might I say that you can still be a minister of the gospel if you chose. God doesn't need us to be official with any particular denomination to use us to minister to a need.
ReplyDeleteYour crisis of faith, appears to be creating some good old-fashioned soul searching and sometimes this is the best tool God has to get us where He wants us to be. He's not troubled by your questions or your doubts, He's waiting to help you find the Answer.
Praying for you. Hope your hand heals quickly and completely.
thank you!
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