2am

Its 2am in the morning and i should be asleep, but my mind is racing and as so often of late i cant find peace. My obsession is as ever the priesthood. When i try to work out what i should be doing with my life, i keep coming back to this place - i should be a priest. I cant work out if i am just in denial, if what i should be doing is mourning and then trying to find a way forward, or whether i should be finding a way to fight.

Praying in the Shed

In my shed I have an icon, a candle, a stoop bowl. Every night before i go to bed i go out and sit for a while and talk/pray. While i ask question - i am still looking for the face of God. I also feel more at peace than i have for a long time. As much as a wrestle with questions i dont belive they will overcome me - but i will keep blogging my search for answers.


Today i meet with a friend i trained with and it was lovely. He sat with me and said - but you are meant to be a priest - its who you are. We talked through some of my questions and i was forced to admit that i am not sure right now if my question are there because i dont want to belive and not be able to stand at the alter or because they are question burried deep inside me that are bubbling up.  


I will keep asking - but will keep praying to.

Redemption, pain and other things

As will have become clear I have been having some what of a crisis of faith. In this however I have found my redemption. Many moons ago when involved in a lot of dark things I committed myself to god and stepped away from a life of debuchary. It has always been my feeling that I am that person – that I would live a life of crime and excess if only I hadn’t committed myself to God, and I have always felt a hankering for the other life. 

On struggling with my faith, on no longer training for the priesthood I have been set free of obligation – free to decide who I am. It has been a shock to realize I don’t want that other life, its just not who I am. With or without God I have no desire of the life I once craved.

As that realization has begun to sink in its left me feeling better than I have ever felt. Sure it still hurts to type – managed to cut my finger fairly seriously requiring 4 stiches over the Christmas period.  Sure I have not had any money since the 1^st December when I sold some books (still waiting for benefits payment).  I also don’t know what the future holds for me – I belived – and still belive I am called to be a priest. Yet I really do feel okay in myself.

So what road for my faith? I have not stopped beliving in God, but have questions on the divinty of Jesus which continue to bother me.  These questions are substantial – but it remains my faith that Jesus is God. I have committed myself to one year of looking at this question – one year of doubt and searching for answers before any change to my faith life. It must seem odd for me to be saying I still feel called to be a priest – when I know I will never be a priest now, and when I have such doubts. I don’t pretend it makes sence.

More later – shouldn’t be typing at all right now.