On Leaving

Tonight is my last night in a theological collage. At some point i will post some reflection on what is done well and what is done poorly in the training of priest, but tonight its far more about feelings than anything else.

As an ordinand I was given a key to the chapel, in the evening before sleep i would go and sit in the chapel a pray. It was only after the decision to leave had been made did it occur to me that that the door to the chapel would be locked to me. As a priest, you spend a life time with the shared cure of souls, and with it you have the keys to 'the house of God'.  Life is far more certain than for most. You know you will be housed, and you are given a good living - a stipend.

As I have walked around the grounds tonight i have felt a profound sorrow for all that is lost to me in leaving. I will not serve at the Alter. The hopes i held for things that could be done in a church will have to be left to others.

Mostly I feel very alone, and very worried about the future. What will i be doing for a living in six months time? How will I support my family? How will I work through my relationship God? I have a fear in sharing even here my doubts my questions as i have no desire to draw others into doubt, its not a comfortable place to be, and i have no desire of platitudes in reply to questions that tear me in two - or three.

Yet despite the doubts, the worries, and the fears, still i pray - still I call out to a God though i expect only silence in reply - Hold me till morning comes, and place your blessing on my wife and daughter.

Yours, sinfully

A.